toxicity

i am walking poison. i am in a toxic mood. the whole world feels toxic, so why not me too? although the truth is i would be this way even if i lived in the garden of eden. especially, no doubt, if i lived there. in fact, i would probably be the serpent, slithering in to muck it all up. pssst! hey, eve. eve! over here...

i'm filled with anger and hate and despair and jealousy and resentment. the reasons are not important -- except for the ones that are. but those are the ones that everybody knows. and the other ones ... are not important.

i don't really need an excuse to feel like crap. it just so happens that i feel like crap. i am physically well enough. i am just morally and emotionally sick at heart. for selfish personal reasons as well as altruistic communal ones. except i hate all of humanity and think extinction might be the best fate for it. at the same time i hate to see people suffer. but it pisses me off when people support their own oppression. so then i think they're stupid, so they deserve to suffer. it's all very tony soprano, isn't it?

i feel extremely alone and i don't even mind. in fact, i wish i were more alone. i crave isolation like insert some bad addiction metaphor here. i can barely stand to look at people, let alone talk to them. i don't know why. some of them i love a lot. urgh. but my soul is moth-eaten. i feel walled-in like the thing. i don't want to know anything anymore. i don't want to think about anything, and i really don't want to feel anything. since that is impossible, i seethe instead.

i am chemical-bright rage on legs. i hate everything and everybody. and no one more than myself.